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Today marks Garcia Siri's second entry in the blog. She wants to share her female opinion on what bores her to death when she meets guys, what topics are a definite buzzkill and what not-to-do to get laid.
She's gonna rough and tough and delivery her unfiltered opinion on some of her worst dates. Fasten your seatbelt brother.
Pick that female brain and learn as much as you can. Putting yourself in a girl's shoes is the best way to her heart and panties.
Mistake number 1: Flaunting about successes in life
Sometimes on a first date, a guy will talk about his success. As if those successes would make him someone totally unique and as if I should have a relationship with him just because of that.
When that happens I feel like that guy is really trying too hard to make an impression.
Now I can understand pride and excitement, don't get me wrong. But if this success doesn't really justify how much the guy brags about it, it quickly becomes pretentious, obvious and obnoxious.
I once met a guy who had a YouTube channel. He told me about his digital nomad lifestyle, going everywhere, taking videos and working online.
His videos were some kind of vlog style - no editing and no professional production.
However, he repeatedly said that these videos required a lot of hard work. And although it might be hard work for him to upload a video every other day, I still feel uncomfortable hearing him talk about his YouTube videos for almost the entire date. I remembered editing a music video project back in high school, where I surely spent 3 days to complete it and there really was nothing to brag about.
Still, even if I don’t know anything about video editing, I won’t be utterly excited by a guy uploading a simple vlog every day to his YouTube channel. Because in this digital era, anyone who persists in vlogging can do the same as him. It's not exciting, and it was obvious that he was exaggerating that success in order to impress me.
"Look that way dumb girl, I'm a successful YouTube influencer, therefore you shall have sex with me". No, I don't think so.
He spent too much time flaunting about a hobby that is not even that uncommon, as if it was his entire identity. And he missed the opportunity to truly be himself or to create something between us.
Mistake number 2: Complaining about how much he hated life
As opposed to the previous one, this time the guy would constantly bring negativity to the table.
Yes, it’s nice to have someone to vent with sometimes. But surely, complaining ALL THE TIME isn't healthy.
I had a date with a guy who would always complain about everything. At first, I didn’t give it that much thoughts because negativity tends to make me sympathize.
Later on when I met him a few days later, he was still complaining about his job, his life, his every thing. So, I started to wonder, why wouldn’t he do something about it?
I wouldn't judge anyone by the first impression, but when a guy continuously brings out how difficult life is and how much success he isn't having, it's hard for me not to trust him when he proactively does everything to try and convince me that he is a loser.
This doesn’t mean people can’t express negative feelings on the first date, or the dates that come after. We humans tend to bond easily on the shared pain, that's empathy. After all, who wouldn’t hate to have a stupid dictator boss?
However, if my date complains repeatedly about how everything goes wrong in his life (and in the world) I will just assume that this is his habit. He probably likes to express negativity just to receive sympathy from other people, and that's just the way he copes with life, by being miserable.
I can't help but think that by acting this way and seeking approval, his pain is soothed faster than it would take to make any solid changes about his problems. And this is a red flag to me. I prefer more productive activities with my partner than just sitting down and being a crybaby.
That might sound mean, but looking back, he probably needed a therapist, not a girlfriend.
Mistake number 3: Telling me random stories
Isn’t it cute? To some extent, yes. but I’d personally found it really uninteresting when on a first date, he talked in detail about how his uncle was elected as the mayor back in his hometown and that he had to go through so much trouble and yada yada.
Or how his grandparents were moving around from the great descent of the Countess of Chateau de whatever.
Because from these stories, although they were quite entertaining, I did not get to know his character any better at all.
There is no connection between him, me and the story. It's just him telling me a story about something unrelated to anything I could care about. I came to meet and connect with a guy, I got a story about some other people's life. I could just have stayed home and swiped on Instagram.
The problem is that it's just totally unrelatable to me. I can't either understand his personality better or make further conversation about it. And I'm polite enough to listen when people talk without telling them how boring they are, so I didn't say a thing.
If he told me about how he raised his little brother, then I'd see that he is a responsible and reliable person. Or if he knew that I want to be a writer then that would make sense that he'd tell me he has an aunt who is a famous novel writer. He was close to her, so he knew that she worked hard to become famous. That would be a story where I can ask more questions and be engaged in the conversation easily because it relates to my character, that is a common point between his life story and mine.
But no, we had to talk about his grandpa's tribulations post war.
Mistake number 4: Victim stories of his past failed relationships
Can you see a pattern emerging there? I definitely do.
"We broke up because she cheated on me despite all the devotion I gave her. After that I threw all the toys away."
Okay, we've been drinking coffee for thirty minutes so far, isn't it a bit early to tell me about that?
First date with a new girl clearly is a hope for people whose past relationships ended. But if it ended badly, talking about it excessively might convey that he just isn’t able to maintain a romantic relationship.
Once, a guy told me about how his girlfriend who he was living with and giving money monthly to cheated on him. I empathized with him. But I also felt strange hearing about this since the topic is sensitive.
There are always 2 sides of the story. Plus, I didn’t know him well enough to vouch for him wholeheartedly.
"What if he hurt her physically and it drove her to cheat on him?" I thought to myself. That could happen.
That’s why telling me about how badly the relationship ended and generally complaining about his ex created doubt in my mind about who he really was and how well he could handle relationships when things go wrong.
I’m not saying you cannot mention the past relationships at all. Still, be careful talking about this because a victim mindset is not a healthy mindset for anyone to wear. Especially when you wear it with a new potential partner you are trying to date.
Hearing him talk about it on the first date signified that he was in pain, so he might need a new relationship to heal and to make him whole again. But was it really my responsibility from the start to please him and heal him? Hmm, it sounds too heavy for me on the first date.
Mistake number 5: Complimenting my appearance non-stop
Don’t get me wrong, I do love getting compliments and I am thankful. But when a guy keeps telling me how pretty I look or how much my pink nails fit my persona for the 10th time, I feel deadly bored.
I'd like to have people notice me for more than the physical appearance alone. Shocking news, I know. I still have a faint hope for romanticism and I'm still looking for a bit more than physical attraction.
The point of dating in real life is not to mimic dating on online apps. On dating apps, you might make an ice breaking conversation by complimenting her physical appearance, alright.
In real life, the conversation can go in-depth about one million things - like your hobbies, your dream job, your dream life, etc.
Hearing a guy repeating the same compliment meant he didn’t know what else to talk about. That might be why he tried to impress me with sweet talk instead. At least the sweet talk should be a bit more creative than blunt compliments on my nail routine. I’d feel better when he’d compliment my abilities and my achievements on the first date. At least something that shows that he really tried to get to know me.
Now we know the bad topics, what are good topics to talk about on the first date then?
Personally, I like it when a guy tries to explore who I am, as well as telling me something about himself that I can ask questions about. The whole point of the first date is to get to know each other, isn’t it?
Does he need to have the same kind of interests or hobbies as me to make the conversation fun?
No, we can be interested in different things. Let it be a Formula 1 shows, an entrepreneur business idea, or even a pickup artist lifestyle - all are still exciting to hear about because it’s a new thing.
Will "manly" interests be boring for a girl?
Well, if I like a guy enough to go on a date with him, I would love to know him more, even though some of his life choices may have no connection whatsoever to mine at all. Knowing about his interests, learning about his personality and then figuring out whether he is compatible with me or not.
Also, it would be nice if he supported me in what I am interested in. For example, when a guy learns that I love writing novels, he could ask me what I am writing about or how many books I have written so far. Or when he notices my grey contact lenses, he may mention that it’s strange but maybe notice that I am bold to dress differently.
There, I would feel like he cared about my character a bit more already. When that happened, that kind of feedback always impressed me on the first date.
Sounds simple isn’t it? Making the first date fun is actually just trying to keep the conversation about you two, not to talk about third parties for too long. Unless you both find that you have the same kind of ideas and feelings about life - then feel free to discuss Karl Marx as much as you please. :)