Is talking too much killing your game?
Some people say that being good with women equals having “the gift of the gab”, being able to talk forever and more, always having something to say, as if you were to charm women by throwing too many words at them.
While having a million dollar mouthpiece is definitely an asset and you should practice being able to talk forever when needed, in most cases you don’t need to.
I’d go even as far as to say that in most cases it’s detrimental to your game to do so.
If you’re a bit advanced you’ve probably noticed that, the better you get at this, the less you talk, the more people find you amazing.
I’ve compiled a list of reasons why, in my opinion, talking a lot will do more harm than good. Let’s get into it and see why talking too much is killing your results with women.
Killing your wings
I’d like to put this one first because I’ve noticed it very recently when going out with other people for the sole purpose of meeting women. Let’s call that a wingman situation.
(If you’re new here, a wing or wingman is a guy you go out with to practice social dynamics and meeting women.)
I’d go out with this guy and often he’d be using every chance he’d get to talk with the girl. Literally any blank in the conversation, any pause between my sentences he would jump in and say something. Maybe you can already start feeling how oppressive that was.
For a lot of the reasons we are going to see below it’s detrimental to seduction. But for the specific situation in which you’re trying to get to know people in a group setting it renders a few things impossible.
See, blanks in the conversation are necessary to build sexual tension, tease girls and so on. If you take some of the girl’s validation away by teasing her, this will lose all power if there is someone right there ready to fill the blank and validate her right back.
In this specific scenario, girls don’t need YOUR validation, but they just need validation. If you hang out with someone who’s giving it away like free candy, well, many advanced things become impossible.
And I didn’t even mention the obvious one yet : you can’t get to know a girl if your wing gets in the middle of the conversation at every chance he gets. Helping each other when you run out of things to say is one thing, carelessly cutting off your friends is another, and you don’t want to be doing that (nor hang with people who do).
Killing the sexual tension
If you’re familiar with the concept of building sexual tension you’re aware that most of it is built when you do not talk, when the girl is wondering what fucked up sexual fantasy you’re thinking about.
When you look her in the eyes, taking your time to answer something. Taking your time to answer firstly because what you say is important and valuable, but then also maybe because you’re thinking of fucking her behind a dumpster.
Shocked? Well too bad, because girls think about sex all the time, and adding pauses to your speech makes her imagination go wild, especially if she’s attracted to you.
Now if you decide to give her no room to wonder what you’re thinking about, she won’t think about it.
Let’s apply some real world psychology here : thinking about something makes it real. If she gets to wonder whether you want to fuck her, she’s already thinking about the idea of fucking you. Which is always better than not having her wonder about it.
In other words, if you don’t give her time to imagine and wonder things, she can only deal with what’s in front of her, what you guys are talking about. And chances are that you’re not talking about any sexual topic (especially if you’re the kind of guy who talks too much).
Don’t underestimate the power of a woman’s imagination, rather, use it to your advantage.
Killing your value
On the topic of imagination again, there is a lot of value in taking your time and giving the girl space to discover your personality.
First of all, as opposed to the needy man who insists on putting all of his cards clearly on the table because he clearly cares too much about the interaction, the attractive man will take his time and naturally let the conversation unfold if it has to happen. I insist on the naturally, I do not mean passively, which would be a bad course of action as well.
The attractive man will take his time and while enjoying the conversation, he will have the girl work a bit to figure him out.
Most guys do not do this and it bores girls to death. That’s an easy thing that you can start implementing right now. Don’t throw your resume at girls you just met, hold on until they ask.
Now if you can’t stop talking you’re probably going to swarm the girl with information, about yourself and about her. Outside of making you unrelatable because you don’t give her time to focus on any singular topic for more than two sentences, it also diminishes the value of what you say.
If whatever conversational topic that you start isn’t valuable enough for you to wait for her answer or spend more than 15 seconds on it, you’re basically telling her that talking with you is useless, pointless and will be forgotten within the next seconds.
In other words, she knows that you’re just talking for the sake of having things to talk about with her, desperately trying to hook her in, and that’s devaluing what you say and therefore your worth as a man.
Killing her investment
You’re talking to her, talking and talking, so much that you find yourself in a situation where you’re doing 80% of the talking and she’s doing 20%.
For sure, the interaction will have a lasting impact on your memory, because you invested so much in it. But how about the girl?
From her point of view, there is this random guy who came up to her, and he talked so much she couldn’t even talk back. She was not invested in the conversation and she will rationalize that it’s because she wasn’t interested.
That, plus the fact that she will hardly remember you if she doesn’t get to try to know you. Thinking that you can have her like you and remember you better by talking more is a mistake.
What works is having her invest. And it’s easy. Say something engaging, wait for her to answer. Wait some more. Done.
You have to provoke her investment, and that’s how you do it. You hold the silence long enough. This is sub-communication and that’s telling her “it’s you time to talk, I demand that you talk”.
Of course it’s hard if you’re not used to it. That’s polarizing. You’re demanding that she answers something, and if you’re not used to demanding things you will feel scared to do so. That’s precisely why you have to practice holding tension and holding pauses.
Now I can hear you tell me “But all the PUA advice I’ve read before told me I should do most of the talking at the beginning of the interaction”. While that is true, the “beginning of the interaction” is literally the first 20 to 30 seconds of the interaction. Past that time, if you did your job well, the girl is either hooked or has rejected you.
Past that time the conversation should be fifty-fifty investment from both parts. Remember to use pauses so she has time to talk.
Bonus : it just hides nervousness
From experience, guys I’ve seen talk too much do it because they are desperately trying to find things to say so that the girl finds the interaction interesting. That’s nervousness. When you can’t talk for a sin
You don’t need to. You should stand by what you say, whether she likes it or hates it and leaves. There is no need to be throwing sentences, what you say is enough to have girls at the very least ask you “how about yourself?” if you held your ground for 2-3 seconds more.
If she wants to leave, let her leave. If she can’t wait for you to finish your sentence, finishing that sentence won’t have her like you more (or less). On the opposite though, slowing down shows confidence in what you say, and that can build attraction.
I understand it’s difficult, because it means putting yourself out there, your personality on the chopping block, completely naked in case the girl goes away mid-sentence or shows you in any way that what you’re talking about is uninteresting, or that you suck as a person.
You know how it feels when you’re by yourself on the streets, you approach a girl, and as soon as you hesitantly say hi she replies nothing and stares at you. Then you mumble a few words, she sighs and turns away.
You feel dumb, your head gets hot and your belly cold, you feel like everyone around is judging you, maybe you’re even shivering a bit. You start questioning your worth as a person and the life choices that led you to having to go through being rejected in a rude way by a girl on the street.
That’s rejection. But that’s good. That’s feedback. That’s how you grow. That is necessary.
The problem is that it is insidious. Ego gets in the way.
I’m gonna be real with you dear reader because if you read this far you probably find yourself in this situation and I want to help you figure this shit out.
From my experience, from what I’ve seen so far by going out with other guys and coaching clients, guys who talk too much tend to have the biggest ego difficulties.
I’m not saying that you have a huge ego, I’m saying that you’re having a particularly hard time dropping that ego.
Often it’s guys who have a very low self esteem and so they latch on extremely hard on that tiny amount of ego. I know. I used to be like that and it’s horrible. It prevents you from making the necessary mistakes.
If you’re reading this and feeling like “nah, that’s not me I talk a lot but that’s not about ego it’s true that I am anxious but that was before, I just try to yada yada” that’s precisely you I’m talking about.
I’m being real for your sake here. You’re talking too much because you’re afraid of rejection, afraid of putting you in a situation of rejection, trying to minimize the impact of a rejection, and that’s bad.
Go and get rejected harshly, that’s the only way to kill your ego. Plus, as the harsh rejections amount, you will develop a thick skin and true confidence.
If you’d like to hear some more of this real talk and get mentored by me to figure out and bust through your sticking points, you can book a free consultation call where I’d tell you after a quick conversation what your sticking points are and how to overcome them.