Breaking Rapport and Showing Boundaries to Turn Around Uninterested Women
Updated: Nov 10
I’m pretty sure you’re tired of spending hours in pointless conversations on Tinder and Bumble, while getting to know each other online is great fun and all, but carrying the conversation like that is annoying.
Pretty sure as well that sometimes you feel women can get away with too much disrespect and you’d like to have them respect what you want out of the interaction you’re having with them.
Problem is, those girls you’re talking to are not inside your head, and we want to let them know what’s up without coming off as creepy.
Sometimes they will cross your limits. In this article we will see how we can let them know that without drama and how that will actually increase your perceived value in the eye on the girl you’re talking with.
What does having boundaries mean?
You’re doing this for a reason.
You’re talking with this girl, that’s for a reason right? Ask yourself truly, why are you talking with this girl?
Is it really to have a friendly chat about work or last class? Is it really to become her friend and help her out? Is it really because you’re looking for the train station?
Is it really to have her say nice things to you or to figure out if she wants to go on a date with you? Is it really to get her number or to figure out if she could be your next girlfriend ?
Knowing exactly what you’re looking for will help you stay focused and get it. As easy as it sounds. We will get into more details below but knowing exactly why you’re doing this and why you’re talking to this girl will give you a sense of certainty that is firstly very attractive and then very useful to figure out your standards and boundaries.
In real life this translates to you actually trying to get girls on a date from online dating, not coping with her looking for pen pals in the hopes that she will be eventually comfortable enough to let you ask her out.
In real life this translates to you actually making a move with girls that you like, not trying to become her friend first in the hopes that she will eventually see how much of a great guy you are without having to face rejection.
And being willing to walk away if you guys are not on the same wavelength.
Because let me get this straight, if you’re talking to a girl as her pen pal, you are her pen pal. If you’re talking to a girl as her friend, you’re her friend.
If you’re talking to a girl as a potential sexual partner, you’re a potential sexual partner.
Having boundaries means that you know what you’re looking for
In short, this means having standards.
I once asked one of my friends who is totally stranger to the whole success with women thing what was his type of woman. His answer : “I like women who like me”. Seriously bro?
I’m pretty sure that you can guess the kind of girls he was getting with such standards. Though I understand where he’s coming from. When you don’t have much success with women, you tend to lower your standards. You should not.
If you do, the women you date will not respect you and you’re at high risk to end up committed to someone you do not truly like. I really don't want that for you.
Knowing precisely what you want helps you be more focused on your objectives. It helps being persistent, it helps being resilient to rejection.
I recommend that you find 3 things that a girl must have for you to make her your girlfriend (or one of the plates you’re spinning).
My own 3 main criteria are those : she is a kind person, she’s a positive person, she takes care of her appearance.
It’s not extremely precise but at the very least I know what I am in for and I don’t date “by default”. So many people date because being alone is sad, not having sex is frustrating and society tells them to find a partner. I encourage you to find better reasons to start dating someone.
Having boundaries also means that there are things you do not accept
This means that some things are a deal-breaker for you. And hear me out, by deal-breaker I don’t mean “minor annoyance but I would still fuck her", by deal-breaker I mean actual non-negotiable hard no kind of deal breaker. If she does it, you leave, no questions asked.
If she does drugs and that you swore that you’d stay away from drugs to make sure you’d never fall back into it, you refuse to go to her place.
If you know that she is a gold digger who will only have sex with you under the condition that you pay for her meal first and you hate that, you refuse to go out with her.
If she is a mean person, if she lives too far away, if she keeps complaining all the time, etc, etc. You set your own standards and deal-breakers.
My personal standards and deal-breakers come from very bad experiences. I had a lot of terrible dates and I know I would hate myself if I were to let myself go into another one of those horrible situations. Sometimes I do, still, for science and to write about it so you don’t have to make the same mistakes!
At the end of the day, having standards means being a high-value person.
It means knowing what you want and living by your own rules, it means going your own way. The point of having standards is the same as figuring out what you really want. No one can tell you what works for you, you have to figure it out by yourself through self-reflection and past experiences. As usual, I encourage you greatly to sit down for 30 minutes with a piece of paper and write down what your deal breakers are.
I once had a client who asked “should I let it go if my girlfriends kiss other girls at parties?”. It’s entirely up to you. If you find it unacceptable, tell her about it. If she cares about what you feel, she will stop, if she doesn’t consider letting her go. Personally I’d say use that as fuel to help her find you threesome partners. But hey, your call ;)
Needless to say that to have strong boundaries you need to be willing to walk away, for the best of you both. It implies that you’re actually in an abundance mindset where you have the necessary skill and confidence to meet other women if you want to.
What about breaking rapport?
The main point of breaking rapport with a woman is to punish bad behavior. What is bad behavior? It is bad if it oversteps your boundaries.
The same way you reward a girl for good behavior when she plays into your agenda, you punish a girl who doesn’t help you further your agenda. Be careful not to be butthurt about it. By “punishing” I do not mean “complaining”. More on that later.
Breaking rapport (as opposed to building rapport) means that there was some kind of link between you and her and because of her behavior, you cut that link loose as a punishment.
She did something that was overstepping your boundaries, so you withdraw the value you were offering (be it male attention, fun stories, party access, cocaine, etc, really anything she finds valuable).
In other words, she did something you don’t like, and if she sees a future with you, she knows it’s not a future in which she does things that you don’t like, because an attractive guy who’d deserve her would not let her do and say random bullshit.
Point is to show her that her current behavior leads to her losing you. That’s why you need to be willing to walk away. If she knows she can’t lose you, you cannot break rapport.
It also means that you have to have your inner game on point. If you’re so insecure that you cannot conceive of girls being afraid of losing you or being afraid of you thinking she did something stupid, you will not understand how breaking rapport works.
See, “pick-up techniques” and self-development really do go hand in hand!
What is the point of doing that anyways?
Breaking rapport will turn seemingly uninterested and passively bored women into helping you furthering the relationship.
You want to be careful though because if you do that too much, you will just become the arrogant asshole and girls will go away, not because the technique is wrong, but because the way you used it was wrong. It’s important to know exactly what you can expect out of it so you don’t make big calibration mistakes.
Breaking rapport and therefore punishing bad behavior will tell the women you’re talking to two things :
I do not like the way the interaction is going
It’s my way or the highway
Basically it leaves her with 3 options at this point as well :
complying to your frame, agenda and boundaries.
leaving the interaction, she wasn’t looking for the same things as you and you rightly so figured it out.
holding her frame of defiance towards you, then it’s a frame test, which is a good sign.
In most cases by breaking rapport you will move to the next step, she will either accept your frame and agenda (usually, moving closer to a date or a relationship) or disregard it (and you now know she wasn’t interested).
In other words, when you break rapport the underlying dialogue is that you noticed something was wrong in this interaction. Whatever she answers, the underlying dialogue will be about her showing you that she took notice of it and wants to make it right, or that she doesn’t care and isn’t interested.
And yes, that’s a more advanced level of communication. At a certain level in game, you do not really care about what you say anymore, the only thing that matters is the underlying dialogue. You guys could be talking about any random topic, what matters is the implied underlying dialogue and sexual tension dynamics.
Girl said something guy think is really stupid > guy call her out on that > girl feel a bit more attracted by guy who called her out because he seems to be a high value guy with standards > girl justifies herself > etc.
I promise I will make a full advanced article about this level of underlying communication in the future.
You guys could be talking about the shape of strawberries or really anything, what matters is that kind of underlying communication.
The simple fear that you can judge her for being socially uncalibrated and mean if she oversteps your boundaries is enough to have her try for rapport quite often. You will know it when she justifies herself after you called her out.
It’s more about her being afraid to not be an object of male and social desirability rather than you being too cool (so even if you don't think you're cool and rightly so, this still works). If she feels like she made a fool of herself and said something stupid, it’s more about her than you. Yet the rapport is broken and if she is attracted even a little to you, she will care about what you think of her.
And if she’s not that into you, her being conditioned into justifying herself when called out (we all are by school and family) will make her feel closer to you immediately because only those who are close to us usually call us out. That’s called creating rapport by breaking rapport.
Breaking rapport sounds amazing, how do I do that?
Usually you will want to ask or say things in ways that screen her in relation to your standards and boundaries.
If you’re on a date with a girl and she mentions her boyfriend for example, it is your duty to ask her if she really has a boyfriend and if so, why she would go on a date with you. Hold true to your boundaries if you care about that kind of thing.
Sometimes she will say that she was bored and needed male attention, sometimes she will say it’s complicated and never mention him again because she wants to have sex with you (or even let you know that she wanted to try new experiences behind his back).
If that’s your Tinder match and she seems to only want to talk in a pen pals fashion, your standards and boundaries demand that you tell her that you expected a meetup at some point.
What inexperienced guys do instead is that they wait for her to show interest and get stuck talking for weeks to girls they just know the online profile of.
If she says something random that doesn’t make sense to you and your boundaries are to only talk to girls who you can have an actual conversation with, tell her just that.
If she is disrespectful or seems absolutely unengaged in her conversation with you, call her out on that. Not in a bitter way, but in a firm “what’s going on?” way.
And that’s really key here. You do not want to appear butthurt, but truly you want to communicate that you were genuinely and seriously trying to figure out if something was possible there, if it’s not possible it’s not a big deal, but so far you’re trying to figure it out and she didn’t pass the test.
Do not be mean, do not be bitter, but be firm and true to your boundaries.
Be fully engaged but totally outcome free.
Okay, thanks for reading this far! I know this is somewhat of a more advanced concept but one of my clients asked me to talk about it. It took me I think a year to really get the reference experiences and grasp a good idea of the concept of breaking rapport, but for now developing clear boundaries and living by them should be a real plus to your results and overall happiness.
If you’re interested in learning more of this advanced material come discuss it with me on a free 1on1 coaching session, reserve your seat HERE.