Are you Confident or Arrogant?
I had a client who recently asked me to rework his Tinder bio. Problem : every new iteration I’d give him wouldn’t make him happy. Everything sounded arrogant to him, which is weird because by now I thought I’d be able to show confidence correctly considering the sheer amount of positive results I’ve got.
What made it seem arrogant to him but seem confident to me? And more importantly for you dear reader, at which point does one go from arrogance to confidence ?
When I wrote his new bio, I knew very well that this would be effective in displaying confidence, which women find attractive. Yet to him this behavior sounded so far away from his reality and from what could actually work. The bio I'd give, to him, just sounded arrogant and disrespectful.
This begs the question : where is the limit between confidence and arrogance?
Reality VS imagination
Okay so I believe it’s better to define those terms first. Thanks to Oxford Languages we have those two definitions :
Confidence : (adjective) feeling or showing certainty about something.
Arrogant : (adjective) having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.
Confidence is about certainty. Arrogance is about exaggeration.
Being confident means that you can base your behavior on the certainty of experience, you tried, you experimented, you failed, you succeeded and as such, you know what works and what doesn't. You don't think you can do it, you know you can do it.
Arrogance is based on the idea that you can do something, on the assumption of ability : it is grounded in nothing.
I know I can pick up a girl on the streets and sleep with her because I've done it before and I have a record of successfully doing so. Claiming that I can pick up girls is confidence.
I think I can dribble a basketball pretty well because it doesn't sound that hard, but I've actually never done that before. Claiming that I can dribble well would be arrogance.
One could say that confidence comes from the certainty of something, while arrogance comes from the assumption of something based on the exaggeration of one’s knowledge and skills.
“It works that way” VS “I think it works that way”
How does it relate to people considering you confident or not? Bear with me, it’s going to make sense very soon.
Now this is tricky because you can’t verify one’s claim and clearly say whether it’s certainty or exaggeration.
If two people claim they can do 20 pushups, for one it might be confidence, for the other it might be arrogance. Still you’d have to watch them do the actual pushups to figure who was rightly confident and who was arrogant. In real life you can’t just verify everyone’s claims. So people assume.
People will assume that you’re either confident or arrogant for the same given behavior. And as you know now, people’s assumptions are often based on their perspective of what’s possible and impossible in life.
Now this is where it all makes sense.
If a woman ever calls you arrogant, it’s either because she doesn’t perceive you as someone who has the necessary background and experience to actually be confident, or that she can’t understand that confident men have success with women (and she probably has severe daddy issues, the not funny kind of daddy issues).
DOES THAT MEAN YOU CANNOT BE CONFIDENT? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If a man does not believe that women are attracted to confident men AND has no previous experience of being successful with women while being confident, any displayed confidence will be perceived as arrogance.
Assuming that women would like boldness, for a guy who doesn't have success with women, means that you base that claim on an exaggeration of your actual ability.
Assuming that women would like boldness, for a guy who does have success with women, means that you base that claim on the experienced truth.
Assuming that he is attractive for a guy who doesn't think he is attractive just sounds like arrogance because he doesn't have real life experience to back that up.
Confidently assuming that he is actually attractive just seems like a big impossible exaggeration for such a guy because real life results don’t back that up.
Well that's too bad, because women actually like confidence/arrogance/whatever your perception of things make you call it.
See, arrogance is in the end only a matter of perception. To some you will be arrogant, to others you will be confident. You may even be arrogant to yourself if you don’t have any experience at all, and that’s great, because if you are able to notice that, you’re able to stay humble and learn how to be confident the proper way.
If you do not stay humble and allow yourself to be arrogant (or even delusional), well, welcome to the dark side Anakin.
The root of all evil
In my opinion arrogance stems from the ego. Ego wants success and certainty. That’s why the ego will, to achieve certainty, emulate confidence. But the key component of experience and certainty still isn’t there, so the ego will make up for it. The ego will assume things that one who has experience could know or have experienced.
The thing with ego is that it gives you a false sense of confidence. It’s easy confidence. You will feel good even if you don’t have that much results, and that’s way easier than to walk the narrow path of the humble everyday grind to success.
Problem is that doesn’t mean you’re actually good. And when facing a social situation that actually requires actual social skills, you’re just going to crash and burn hard if the only thing you have to back you up is ego and arrogance.
Full honest with you because I’ve been there and I see people behaving this way ALL THE TIME : arrogant people who just have ego instead of actual experience always back away from difficult situations that could show that they are lacking.
A few painful real life examples :
That guy who says he is very good with girls but only dates short fat insecure women.
That guy who eventually landed one hot girlfriend but actually can’t handle a conversation with any new girl.
That guy who thinks so highly of himself that he basically refuses to be social by fear of being rejected (I’ve seen nerds and Chads alike be guilty of this).
That guy who supposedly is good with women but refuses to approach girls.
That guy who has been learning success with women for years but still cannot get a date from cold approach.
Etc, etc. You get my point. People whose ego is grasping as hard as it can to the little actual successes they have, protecting themselves from anything that might challenge the small bit of confidence they have.
This is extremely harmful.
Worst case of ego protection : you become an “incel”, start hating women and successful guys, depression, blackpill, etc. No fun stuff hey?
The path to redemption
Now one may ask “how do I get from not being confident to being confident without becoming arrogant?”. Because it’s true that at some point you will have to show certainty about things even if you’re not fully certain yet.
I know it's hard, and I know the mainstream "just be confident bro" advice does not help.
But I've got you covered fam.
The answer : fake it till you make it.
You may have heard it before, you may dislike the terms “fake it” but this is still the best way to learn basically anything. This is exactly what you do when you get a new job and you have to learn the ropes.
In other, maybe softer words, it just means that you’re going to do something that scares you until you’re not scared anymore. You are going to pretend to be confident until you’re confident enough.
Especially in seduction, where confidence is a prerequisite. If you’re not giving off the appearance of confidence, no girl will go with you.
In practice that means that you will go into scary social situations and hold the pressure. You will lead women, even if you’ve never done that before and it’s scary, until you’ve done that so much that it just becomes a walk in the park.
There used to be a time in my life when I would just read about seduction techniques online but was actually too scared to approach a lot of girls in real life. I was completely delusional about my abilities with girls.
Though something crazy happened. Because of this fake delusional confidence, the very few girls I’d end up in a conversation with would find me incredibly attractive (at least until they’d figure I was actually not that confident).
As weird as it was, it was a form of fake it till you make it because in the end I acquired the necessary experience and reference points. I had to do a lot of work afterwards to kill my ego, some trouble I’d not have to go through if I just didn’t forget to be humble and down to earth, but results eventually came.
To you, the best advice I can give you if you’re not confident yet and looking to develop that without being arrogant is this : if a social situation looks scary and you don’t want to do it, do it. Do not hide behind your ego and do not step away from the action to save a front of successes, because sooner or later you will have to go through the humbling pain if you want to improve and really get good with women.
To grow you need to fail, because only when you fail and succeed you actually know what works and what doesn’t, that’s where confidence comes from.
Without failure and success, without hard work, there can not be confidence and there will be only arrogance. Once you get over your ego and decide to put in the work, the hard and dirty work, finally only you will see the light.
Thanks for reading so far! If you'd like to learn more about ways to develop real core confidence you can book a free call with me and see how we can work together on developing that irresistible part of your personality!